New normal

A 3 year hiatus! Probably my biggest since I started blogging. Life has taken on a new meaning of normal. We had a new addition to the family this year, God has been good to us. Pregnancy was the toughest this time round, with me feeling many of the 3rd trimester symptoms in the 2nd trimester - putting on weight faster this round contributed most to it.

Hubs and I just marked our 7th year anniversary and it feels somewhat same every year but also different in a sense that our love has grown and evolved. It’s familiar, warm and also happy. I appreciate more things that he does for me in silence and he never complains. Love you bao. (:

The theme of health has been quite the focus in our lives recently, and with that comes a rude awakening that it shouldn’t be taken for granted. 2024 will come with its ups and downs, but given that I started on a high, it will take faith to jump through the challenges ahead. Regardless of what’s to come, we can only take it one day at a time.

Till next time!

Temporary

It’s 2021. Whenever I come back to this blog, I briefly read some old posts to reminisce. It’s nice.

I started off this year in a pretty dark place. No, I wasn’t ill or anything. But I just kept having nightmares of death. It didn’t help that when I was younger I didn’t believe I would live past 30. My life goal, was pretty much planned with this in mind. I wanted to get married and to have 2 children by 30. I wanted to be a mother and I did.

My pregnancy with E had its downs and I literally thought, this was it. If I had to give up my life to save her, I would. As much as I had wanted to love her, bring her up and grow with her, I prepped for the worst then and I wrote everyone letters. Call me crazy now but I mean, as someone who loves planning back up plans, that was my back up goodbye. 

After E was born, I was relaxed. We made it! T came back to sleeping with us after awhile, and lying in bed between them made me feel extremely contented. I told Sam that I feel very happy and fortunate to be sleeping with my 3 babies every night. I’m so so blessed.

The pandemic is still prevalent… and after giving birth, finishing my maternity leave and heading back to work, I realised how much I stopped spending time with friends. Not much at least. 

I started doubting myself when certain things happened over the months. My confidence took a dip… and I wondered if I was good enough. That feeling spread like wildfire. I started questioning if I was a good enough friend, a good enough colleague, a good enough daughter, a good enough wife, a good enough mother.

Then, my birthday came along. So many remembered and kept my tummy full with gifts. I’ve never felt so blessed, and it came at a time I felt I was undeserving. 

Recently, the word “temporary” hit me hard. I can’t recall how I thought of it, but it enlightened me that actually we are all temporary beings on earth. 

As a temporary being, what do I want to do with my life? What impact do I want to make? Can I do something good? And because my birthday just passed, I thought… hey what do I do with so many THINGS? Next year, I should invite people to give to charity instead.

So the question remains, what should I do with my life? If the answer is not clear, I’m sure I’ll find it someday. For now, it’s living each day to the fullest for myself and for my loved ones. Because we are all only temporary.

Twenty 20

It's been a whirlwind period, I'm not sure I even remember what date/day it is right now. 5 months ago, never did we expect something like this to hit our shores.

I've been busier than ever before, and things have changed on the work and home fronts.

I have to admit that a while back, it felt like I was in "confinement jail" again, not being able to go out, being stuck at home, not being able to wear nice clothes out, not even being able to wear my bare face out without a mask. I'm not complaining, just feeling it.

I read one or two of my old posts before deciding to blog again. And I was enlightened by my past self - What was I thinking then? Why did I feel that way? And then it took me down a road of nostalgia. Thinking back 10 years ago, I think I have definitely changed a lot.

I always thought getting over certain things meant forgetting about the people who caused me to feel that way, and for some reason, I realised, the biggest idiot I should be getting over, is myself.

I was relating this incident to my close colleagues recently, that when I was in JC, there were 2 boys who called me fat at 2 different instances. I was roughly 1.63cm and 49kg. And I remember crying as though someone had punched me. The irony was that one of them, was severely overweight. I guess he was calling me fat so he could feel better about himself? I felt like shit, and looking back I think it was so silly. Why didn't I have the confidence then to tell them I didn't care what they think because I was definitely not fat?!

Oh wells, I guess, 10 years down the road, my confidence and self-esteem did pick up a bit, but I still find myself self-criticising once in awhile.

Today I imagined an instance where someone was comparing an older Thea to someone else and that made her feel lousy. I asked myself what would I say... and it came out something like this "Don't worry about being the same as xxx, he can be him, you will be you. It's ok to be different. If you want to be better, don't compare yourself with other people, because it means you will always fall short. But be the best of yourself that you can ever be. So if you want to compare, and if you want to be better, be better than yourself."

It came full circle again... I felt like I was saying that to myself. :P

Gotta aim to be the best me I can be!

Tooloos for now!

I found this draft today, and wondered why I stopped short of posting it. Rereading it now makes me relive all those moments and remember it was indeed trying, but nothing short of being super worth it. So glad to be having this 2-year-old cuddlepuff by my side now. (':

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Hello 2018!

I rewrote this post a couple of times in my head. Every time I reread what I wrote in the drafts, I feel differently on the topic so it has gotten difficult to finish it and get it published.

Either way, this shall reflect what I’m feeling at this very moment.

2017 has been a year of great experiences for me. I started off the year with lots of planning, for work and for our wedding and it was an adrenaline-high time for me. Then I moved house and started on this new journey of marriage with Sam.

Work kept us busy during the day but it was always a joy looking forward to going home to him. (:

We didn't get much of a break after our wedding but I guess that was fine with both of us since we'll have many many years to experience things together.

Soon after, we found out that we were expecting. Here’s where I always get stuck with this post... We were extremely thankful and blessed when we found out. The joy and gratefulness I felt was beyond anything I’ve ever felt before.

At around 6 weeks, we went for our first scan and saw a tiny glimpse of her heartbeat and I had to hold back my tears... we created this little one together!

Shortly after, the morning sickness started and I was throwing up all day, all night. The only peaceful time I had was in my dreams where there were no feelings of nauseousness. My reality was upside down. I held onto my dreams a lot because I didn’t have any feelings of nauseousness in them and it felt really good. Waking up was the nightmare.

I tried my very best not to complain, because deep inside, the joy of having her grow inside me outweighed everything. I kept telling myself, throwing up means that she’s growing well, because the change in my hormones that were helping her grow were also working well to make me throw up.

I was scared of many things at that point in time. I didn’t dare to go on social media - because Singaporeans love posting about food and just looking at food pictures made me feel like vomiting. I was afraid of being in enclosed areas too, because smells were a nasty trigger. Bright lights, loud noises, even the TV made me stressed. I slept at around 9pm everyday because I was just so exhausted.

At that point in time, I withdrew into myself because even talking was difficult. I felt really bad towards Sam who couldn’t fully comprehend what I was going through but could only watch helplessly as I threw up for the umpteenth time that day. I won’t lie, it was difficult and a very scary period. Talking to my belly everyday somehow helped a little because I knew she was doing fine. But I forgot how to be myself. If I don’t remember wrongly, I used to ask Sam about his day, chat about mine sometimes, give him a massage or two, watch some Korean dramas together and just relax.

But during that whole period, I was functioning to survive one day at a time. My mum told me that hers lasted for about 4 months... so I counted down the days till then. When I was nearing 3 months pregnant, I became dehydrated, went into the clinic and was put on a drip. I started spasming every 30 seconds, uncontrollably. And I was freezing. Sam was afraid but for some reason took a video of me, which until now I still don’t dare to watch.

My morning sickness continued beyond 4 months, and ended at around 19 weeks, just shy of me being 5 months pregnant. Of course, after that I still occasionally threw up, but it wasn’t an everyday thing anymore.

I was coping better, feeling better but many other ailments came. My lower back was always hurting. I had joined some prenatal aqua classes to strengthen my arms, my back and my pelvic area and I think that really helped.

Early into my second trimester, I felt breathless from doing nothing. It was so bad that I couldn’t make a call to the clinic without panting. The gynae said it was a normal symptom which would only get worse as baby grows bigger.

My second trimester passed speedily for me, because I had a work trip, and 2 overseas trips with my family. I also couldn’t sleep properly because baby was kicking very vigorously almost nightly. The trips were very tiring so I felt exhausted after returning home from them too.

Shortly after, I started my third trimester. Aches and pains from the weight gain was taking a toll on me and I started walking really slowly. Breathlessness even when I was resting was something common so I learnt to ignore it and work around it. Walking sometimes helped better than standing still or sitting down.

I think what worried me most during this period was baby’s growth progress. At 6 months, my gynae told me that baby was 950g, and above average. At 7 months, she told me baby was only 1.03kg and under average. She told me to eat more and hence I spammed myself with food. At 8 months, she said that baby had a growth spurt and was already 2kg so I could cut down on my intake. I felt like I was going through a rollercoaster ride through this period and that if I had just eaten normally like how I had been doing before, baby would still be ok!

Either way, that’s a lesson to be learnt for future. This little one is 3.1kg as of my 39th week check up. I can’t wait to see her, cuddle and play with her!

Ramblings

It’s July 2018! So much has happened this year that I don’t even know where to start.

This year has made the biggest impact on my life. I have been the happiest I’ve ever been, the saddest I’ve ever been; it has been an emotional, physical and mental rollercoaster.

Today is just one of those days.

One of those days I question what I’m doing in life, where my place is, what should I be doing, what do I want, how do I feel...

I am always questioning, what should I do next, what can be better, how can I be a better person, if not for anyone then for myself. How can I live life to the fullest?

Amidst all these questions and non-stop thoughts of self-reflection, these are some things I’ve learnt recently.

1. Many things are just mental blocks even though they are physically possible.

Like what? Like bringing a young infant out alone, like embarking on a new campaign, like trying out something new. Once we realise that the biggest block is really in our heads, anything is possible.

2. Babies teach life lessons.

Yea, my baby taught me the first one above. Babies are the purest form of humanity. They are curious, they love you unconditionally, they want to be loved, they want attention. As we grow up, there are too many distractions in the world that make it hard for us to express what we truly want, even though we can talk and babies can’t.

3. Let it go

I’m a working mother of one. I’m also a wife, a daughter, and a woman. How can I be so many at once if I don’t let go? E.g. If I get my husband’s help with a chore. It might not be done the way I like it, but I let it go. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Life is not worth nit-picking.

4. Sometimes, emotions are choices

Why sometimes? Because sometimes you can’t help yourself but feel a certain way. And because we are human beings, we are allowed to feel that way. But life is short, sometimes we don’t get second chances with our loved ones. Is it worth feeling upset or angry over a lost game, a quarrel, a pitch gone wrong, when we could just put everything aside to feel happy with the ones we love? And this brings me to my last point.

5. 5 minutes more...

Your mom calls you to dinner. “5 mins more!” you say, because you need to complete that last sentence of a report, or the Korean drama is ending. What if we had 5 mins more to spend with the people we love? Life is short, don’t live with regrets. Be deliberate and intentional about your emotions. And spend that 5 minutes more wisely.

I’ve learnt a lot this year... and I hope I will always keep these lessons close to my heart.

To new beginnings

2017 has been a very fulfilling year for me. First off, I got married to my best friend and soulmate. (He probably doesn't like to hear the word "friend" because I friend-zoned him in the past oops sorry darling). Anyway, it has been an awesome journey thus far and I can only say, I <3 you dear!

Through the months of adapting to married life, he has been my pillar of strength and support and I cannot be thankful enough. (: I feel very fortunate to have found this kind and sincere soul that I can now call my husband.

For the past few months, he has also shown me what love really is, fussing over me, and truly being there for me when I was physically and mentally out of it. Thank you for being patient, for taking care of me when I could barely take care of myself. For worrying about me and zooming here and there just to make sure my needs were taken care of.

While he is away on a work trip right now, I took the time to reflect on us and our relationship and I realised that I have little to nothing to feel negative about. I'm really really very blessed to have Sam in my life. Through our time together, he also taught me how to be a better person, a better daughter, a better wife. In September (I just scrolled my phone to find this message), he said something which really took me by surprise (in a good way). He said "I don't want your potential to be wasted, because you are made for more". I was mind-blown... no one has ever said that to me and for many days I was just trying to absorb the enormity that he believes so much in me. Thank you darling. (':

So today, I decided to look back at some of our wedding photos and pick out some of my favourites to share! Here goes...

Thank you for everything and I'm looking forward to new beginnings in 2018 with you!!! (:

It’s been a year!

A year has passed since I last blogged! I guess that’s a good thing to get carried away with life? So many things have happened, relationships have changed, my entire life has changed.

I was thinking about this blog again because I was recently reflecting on what my marriage has taught me and what I am thankful for. I guess for a start, I learnt to separate needs from wants. I have always done this, just that I haven’t been really strict with myself over it. I think now, I can see how my part impacts the people I love around me and therefore gives me a stronger resolution to play my role.

I’m meeting new people, learning new experiences, hearing new stories from others and I realise that I’m pretty fortunate where I am and I am very thankful for it. (:

To the me who’s probably going to be re-reading this in about a year’s time - don’t be too hard on yourself, you are enough. Love, me.