Mid-July Musings

~ This is going to be a very random post of unrelated events that happened recently ~

It was my first time going to a friend's wedding, and also a cool one since I went with my mum. Congrats Doreen! (: Your wedding was a very heartwarming one. (:

My favourite dress from VGY that Yvonne got for me. It has been worn so many times in such a short span of time! The back is awesome (;

Met with BFF awhile back too! We ate lunch at Holland V and then had ice cream at Daily Scoop for dessert! (:

And then I went on a food escapade with Sam. We were searching for yummy risottos to eat and found Froth Cafe at BIG Hotel. The ambience is nice! Food is nice too!

This was the lobster sandwich we shared and we upgraded our fries to truffle fries.

This was actually what we came for - the Tom Yum Seafood Risotto. It's spicy but I think Sam liked it! Yay!

Then we did a combined meet up with the girls because Nic came back for 2 weeks!! 2 weeks went really fast...

Following that, this happened to be one of my random days where I needed to run errands in town/school and I dropped by Orchard Central just before lunch time to avoid the crowd and eat this! Truffle Yakiniku Don. The lunch time price was $14.80 which was reasonable! If I had decided to come here for dinner I would be paying $17/$18 instead. Yummy beef, egg and truffle! 

Since I was on some kind of yummy food spree these past few weeks, I was craving ice cream... almost everyday. It didn't help that my mum bought mini almond magnums 2 boxes at a time and I was always opening the fridge to search for food.

So of course, when Sam drove past a Daily Scoop branch near his place, I kept thinking about it and we decided to head there one day after dinner!

We had waffles with Hazelnut Haven and Rum and Raisin. I cannot appreciate rum so I ate most of the hazelnut... as usual. Hehe.

Just a few days back, Sam and I had mookata with his friends. We ate at a place in Orto Village. I think we've had mookata here more than 5 times in the past few months already. Yummy!

Feels weird to blog without a theme but I can't be bothered. Haha.
Oh, and I'm graduating tomorrow. Whoo hoo!! So excited! :D

Hmm.. time to go search the fridge again... I'm hungry.

Hmm...

I miss this space. It's been 2 months since my last post and my days have been largely uneventful. It's week 13 and tomorrow is my last day of class till August! I almost can't believe it's April already. My exams start next week and I still have one final submission next Friday.

The past few days I've been unusually moody and it got me reflecting on my values and principles in life, the relationships I'm keeping with friends and family and among other things, what I really want out of life.

In secondary school, a teacher once told me, if there's one thing that I must take away from him, it's that I should not burn bridges. His reason for this was that you'll never know if you need these relationships one day. I used to believe in that, and I would try my best to always be a friend, to not sour relationships with people beyond repair. I think what I learnt from standing by this principle is that one should always try their best to build relationships with people and to not make enemies.

As a result, I think I've learnt to be milder over the years, to be a little less critical. I've learnt to say sorry and sorry goes a long way in mending relationships because of that admission of honesty and humility that you are not perfect and you can be wrong.

Fast forward a decade, I've learnt these lessons of humility and the importance of relationships. But my outlook on relationships have changed. I think burning bridges may be necessary at times when relationships are toxic. Obviously I didn't come to this conclusion overnight. Continuing such relationships has only made me feel not only uncomfortable but constrained. I am not myself and I can never show who I really am because I get judged.

I used to feel that maybe I'm just feeling left out and I just need acceptance. But after awhile I realised that no, what I really want and what I really need is to get out. I am left out but I don't want acceptance because I know I don't belong. I don't want to belong either because then I would be fake and I definitely don't want to be someone I'm not. It's a new way I'm looking at things now and I think this resolution can only come from within.

On a cheerier note, school is ending tomorrow and I'm starting my internship next month! Whoo hoo! I really can't wait to learn new things because I've finally, finally found something I like and that I'm passionate about. It would be best if I could do something that I really enjoy right? (: So excited!

Okay. It's back to crunch time now. Hope I can update more after exams! (:

Checkmate

Sometimes the biggest obstacle to success is yourself. Norms in society create something for everyone to follow and if you can't, it doesn't mean you suck, it just means that you're special, not just different, but special.

There are periods in my life when I feel insecure about myself, about who I am and what I want to be. Whenever that happens, I freak out and it feels as though my body were to jump out of my own skin. There are times when I question myself about what I'm supposed to do and who I'm supposed to be.

Many people find this answer when they are studying and that's good news because hey, at least they know what they want to be when they eventually look for a job. But there are people like me who, up till today (my 3rd year in university), are still clueless about what they want to do in the future.

Of course, some people think it's easy - just identify your strengths and weaknesses and you're good to go! But then of course, what happens when the strengths and weaknesses that people think you possess don't really match the ones you think you have. Ahah! Then what? Find out what you really like to do? But can you really turn what you like to do into a profession?

So today, while studying for my 3rd finals paper in Iceland, I decided to reflect and stop studying for awhile. I know I can't fail this module but I also know that I can't just not reflect and not know what my whole life is for!

Anyway, to put things into perspective, I have to admit that I'm trying my best to be perfect. From being a fan of Emma Watson, loving how perfect I perceive her life to be (note: perceive), I start to dream about what I could be, what I could do with mine. Then it starts to dawn on me that hey, I'm not as pretty as her, neither am I as smart. Then I realise the truth - I'm no where close to being like her.

But the truth is that I want to share with likeminded lost sheep like me is that, perfection is an idea created by humans who were born to be imperfect. It's time to stop idolising blindly - it could be idolising that smart ass in your class who already has a job a year before he graduates, that perfect girl next door with her perfect boyfriend and their perfect relationship. It's time to stop judging yourself for not being perfect in ways you hope to be. Last but not least, even though you make mistakes, it's okay, because you are born to make mistakes!

With the conclusion of my reflection, I just thought it would be nice to share with everyone that it's okay to be yourself, to be plump, to have split ends in your hair, to have emotional outbursts, to be stressed for exams, to be lost because we are not made to find answers all the time. Sometimes, they are just stubbornly hidden and just refuse to come out. Sometimes, instead of searching for answers all the time, we need to take in that deep breath and chill out. Answers may just pop out of nowhere if we are lucky. But the most important thing is to believe in yourself, because confidence is a driving factor, it drives your brain to look in the right places, it spurs creativity, it spurs craziness, it spurs you to be you and it spurs you to love yourself.

Stop searching so hard because sometimes the answers are just right there...

Just another digit

     Sometimes, I wonder why I do things the way I do. I wonder if the amount of effort and thought I put into doing things are appropriate for what they are worth. When I realise that I haven't been doing what I think I'm supposed to, I get upset... for the fact that I didn't realise it before and make a difference then.

     It took me so long to get here... and I wonder if I'm doing things the right way - whether I really want to do it and how much I want it. Deep down inside, I know I really want to do this and yet a part of me tells me that I'm going to do something different one day and all this is not going to matter anymore...

     The truth is... I want to make a difference - even if it is a small one. Dreams are not meant to be perfect. We make some changes to achieve something and while we are on our way, we tune it again. Right now, my dream is a blur and many might think it's a bad thing. Even I was convinced that I was doing something wrong. Whenever someone asks me what I want to do in future, my answer is "I don't know". But when I think about it, I realise that sometimes "I don't know" isn't a bad thing. "I don't know" could just mean that I'm thinking it through deeply and not just jumping into something that everybody else thinks is good for me. Because at the end of the day, it's not going to mean anything if I'm doing something I don't enjoy. Because at the end of the day, I don't want to be just another digit...

Motion

I have a sudden urge to rant today. I think once in awhile, everyone reaches that moment in their life where they just wonder what on earth is going on. For me, that moment is now. We all have our past. We all live in the present. We all try to foresee the future. But we are not superhuman.

I think I've reached some sort of understanding with myself that my past cannot be changed, cannot be altered and to a certain extent, cannot be forgotten. But I've also realised that what is important to me is not what the past holds but how the past has taught me to live in the present. I can forget events but I cannot forget the lessons learnt. I enjoy living in the present. It's full of surprises, adventure and it just keeps coming.

Sometimes, we all get overclouded with our thoughts of the past and we try to correct them. We spend so much energy dwelling there that we forget where we are now. My advice? Spend time thinking about what you could be doing now and how you could make the best of it. I'm trying and I'm holding on to everything and everyone dear to me.

Today, while sitting for my finance paper, I almost started tearing. A huge thought came into my head - what am I doing, sitting here for a paper in university? Should I be pursuing something else instead? Am I going to be studying finance for the next few years? Or am I going to take a fluff major which I might not be an expert in and repeat 2010 all over again? All these stemmed from just one tiny moment of panic of not being able to remember how to calculate something. Too much...

I guess we all have our days, ups and downs. But I think it's extremely necessary to remember what you are living for, who you are living for. Maybe I've dwindled too much in the past, holding on to what I thought was a concrete block, which turned out to be sand. The more I tried to touch it up, the more it wasted away. I learnt how to hold on better now and I learnt how to pick a real concrete block. I have a harness of support from everyone around me and at least a goal in life to look forward to. Glad to be alive. <3

The drill

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now. No longer am I afraid of the fall down.

Paper cranes

Paper cranes signify many things but to me, they signify hope and perserverance for the future.

Things have changed since May. I've never really smiled the same way again since then. But I've improved. Thank you to all who have helped me, who have listened, who have advised me. Thank you so much for showering me with care everyday. Friends are forever and I really stand by that quote. I'm just so so grateful...

I really believe that things happen for a reason, that life throws things at us to make us better. We get thrown obstacles so that when we manage to overcome them, we understand ourselves a little better and we grow up day by day. I loved and I was loved back. I've learnt a lot and I hold no regrets, no hate at all.

After it happened, I didn't cry. It took me a week for reality to really sink in and suddenly my tears just wouldn't stop flowing. Days passed by so slowly and it was so scary to be alone, so scary to be not busy. I worked and worked. I didn't want to have free time at all. But when I was working, I wasn't even myself, I kept forgetting things, I kept screwing up, everything was just so screwed up. I thought I was going to die, but no, I won't die. I've just never expected it to hit me so bad.

I thought I was avoiding it, I hardly cried. But when I did, it was so painful and I wouldn't stop for hours. No, I wasn't avoiding it, it was just my way of dealing with it. Through this period.. I learnt how to cry with my eyes closed and silently still. It wasn't a good feeling to know that I learnt how to do something new... but rather it was a realisation that it hurt so bad till I could cry like this.

Days passed, weeks passed, a month passed, now it's almost 2 months... and though I still find myself hurt about it and thinking about it once in awhile, I'm glad I'm slowly moving on, for myself and for nobody else.

Work has been better also. I've written 3 of my own original articles to date. It's a small achievement, but it's enough for me, for now. I'm just so happy! (: Please read! :D

‘Hachiko’ of Jurong East returns to await his master
Jurong’s ‘Hachiko’ caught, to be re-homed
Dog lovers set up organization to look after stray mongrels

I'm beginning to love spontaneity again. What life throws at me, I'm learning to throw it back. There's no time to be sad because we only live life once. Feelings have to be taken care of, but other than that, we are born to learn, to try and to live.

I know what I want now. I want adventure in my life, I want to find passion in what I love to do. But adventure is not going to come to me. I have to seek it. Wish me luck. (:

Take a shot

This space has been so neglected! I think I forgot how I lived my life before I became so busy already. I just ridded myself of my old and dying 4-year-old-dying-noisy-and-pixelated laptop and bought a refurbished Macbook air! Whee!

I realised I haven't been updated with blogs and tumblr also. It has been so long, way too long. I feel so out of touch! I have also decided to disable formspring because I just didn't feel comfortable answering questions anymore.

Let me clear out my room and all the other junk I have been hogging for a long time. Time for spring cleaning! ^^ Will be back to fill this space soon! :D

Meanwhile... some eyecandy!

It's 3am. Good night.

The crunch

A need for space. A need for my thoughts to run freely. A need to think through things and understand them in order. A need to map everything. A need to do everything slowly, steadily, surely. A need to open my eyes to see. A need to relax, not now but real soon. A need to getaway from clouded thoughts. A need to be me again.

Additions

Additions to my wall. I love the colours, it just brightens up my day! (:

(Don't mind the reflections!)

My favourite two.

Media

Took a visit to SPH the other day for a talk and a tour.

 Kinda funky huh?

I went to the airport yesterday for some alone time and some Popeye's. It was a peaceful time to sort out my thoughts. (: I realised I have a habit of trying out clothes but not buying them. :P Well, at least that happens most of the time. And so, I end up taking outfit pictures in the fitting room. This is one of those moments.

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With 28th and Apple after the Oschool Recital awhile back.

Good night.

Things

The past: 

Forget about it and don't hold regrets.

Learn from your mistakes but view that positive improvements can be made.

The present: 

Be happy and appreciate.

Believe you are good enough but that you can always be a better person.

The future: 

Don't worry.

What is meant to be yours will be yours.

Moon

I found this picture in one of my picture folders when I was cleaning up and organising files into folders on my computer. Dark eye rings. Tsk tsk. I think that time I wanted to put it up on lookbook but it's too blur and casual in my opinion to be put up. My room looks totally different now, the biggest difference is my table. I swapped tables with my bro. Hehe. I like wooden tables better.

I kept sleeping today. I've been feeling so tired. I feel like I just ran stanchart. Hahaha. Low blood pressure too. I miss my darling already. Be safe love. Eat well, enjoy your trip and come back safely! :D 

Puzzles

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm here for. I think to make the fullest of everything I can live for would be a good answer. But sometimes, I don't even know what I'm doing or where I'm headed to. These few months, I've been doing things that I can't even understand. The myself I knew disappeared and someone I didn't know took over and because of that, there were so many instances in which I regretted my decisions/actions I took. I can fully understand the consequences of those decisions/actions though. Afterall, it's a tit for tat world right?

The worst thing to do is to do something and then regret later... which sadly has been on repeat for the past few months. What is the point of doing something and then regretting later? It's depressing especially for me who doesn't like to regret about anything but I know I will always feel bad about it.

I think one of my resolutions for next year would be to think before I do anything. I think that phrase can apply to anything in my life and especially caution me before I make decisions/actions on impulse. It sucks to feel that your apologies will not be able to salvage anything but then again you know that life has to move on. Despite not being able to remake those decisions again, at least I have a head start to decisions I'm going to make in future and make sure that they won't be regrettable, or at least, less of a catastrophe. I truly hope I can live up to it.

Cool bedrooms

I want one. :P