Temporary

It’s 2021. Whenever I come back to this blog, I briefly read some old posts to reminisce. It’s nice.

I started off this year in a pretty dark place. No, I wasn’t ill or anything. But I just kept having nightmares of death. It didn’t help that when I was younger I didn’t believe I would live past 30. My life goal, was pretty much planned with this in mind. I wanted to get married and to have 2 children by 30. I wanted to be a mother and I did.

My pregnancy with E had its downs and I literally thought, this was it. If I had to give up my life to save her, I would. As much as I had wanted to love her, bring her up and grow with her, I prepped for the worst then and I wrote everyone letters. Call me crazy now but I mean, as someone who loves planning back up plans, that was my back up goodbye. 

After E was born, I was relaxed. We made it! T came back to sleeping with us after awhile, and lying in bed between them made me feel extremely contented. I told Sam that I feel very happy and fortunate to be sleeping with my 3 babies every night. I’m so so blessed.

The pandemic is still prevalent… and after giving birth, finishing my maternity leave and heading back to work, I realised how much I stopped spending time with friends. Not much at least. 

I started doubting myself when certain things happened over the months. My confidence took a dip… and I wondered if I was good enough. That feeling spread like wildfire. I started questioning if I was a good enough friend, a good enough colleague, a good enough daughter, a good enough wife, a good enough mother.

Then, my birthday came along. So many remembered and kept my tummy full with gifts. I’ve never felt so blessed, and it came at a time I felt I was undeserving. 

Recently, the word “temporary” hit me hard. I can’t recall how I thought of it, but it enlightened me that actually we are all temporary beings on earth. 

As a temporary being, what do I want to do with my life? What impact do I want to make? Can I do something good? And because my birthday just passed, I thought… hey what do I do with so many THINGS? Next year, I should invite people to give to charity instead.

So the question remains, what should I do with my life? If the answer is not clear, I’m sure I’ll find it someday. For now, it’s living each day to the fullest for myself and for my loved ones. Because we are all only temporary.